Becoming a respectful parent is heart work, more than head work

“A worldly life requires not regulation but regeneration, the change must be radical. It is not the twist of the threads, but the threads {themselves} which make the fabric of the character {flawed}”

When I am feeling the pull or inspiration to work on something, especially in my parenting, either because of guilt over not doing well enough or an interest in a new idea, I tend to try and come about it in a rather unhelpful way.

I’ll see a quote I love, or I’ll write one, that seems to sum the idea up and then I’ll try and will it into a prominent place in my brain. I’ll memorize it, write it out for myself to see often (on the fridge, as the screen on my phone}, and otherwise try to demand its being remembered and practiced.

But seeing that quote on my fridge every day does not guarantee that I’ll remember, with urgency, how I wanted to implement that theory in my life. Even if surrounding myself with these kinds of reminders is healthy and good in a lot of ways, it does not, by my very persistence or desire, facilitate a real or lasting change. Not a consistent or guaranteed one, that is.

Maybe you are obedient or disciplined or motivated enough for this to work for you. However, I find that, more often than not, this isn’t enough for me.

Because, this is about heart knowledge, for me, not head knowledge.

It is not the twist of the threads, how I think and act and use my days and moments, that needs regulating so much as the heart behind all of these choices, all of these acts of will, that needs regeneration, that needs softening and refining.

I find that, for example, if I am impatient with the children, I don’t need to give myself a set of rules for how to speak to them or find a quote about how important it is to speak with kindness. This might give me a few days of acting with more intention, but if my heart is still seeing them with ungraciousness, I know it’s not the kind of change, the kind of relationship with them, that will be most beneficial or influential, in the long run.

In seasons of being ungracious toward the children, what I need is for my heart to be softened, once again, the very core of me reminded of why children are worthy of respect, how capable I am of loving unconditionally and generously, that my vocation (made up of small, menial tasks as it tends to be) is illuminated with great purpose in the grand scheme of things.

Don’t get me wrong, quotes and all the wise words of respectful teachers and authors are so very necessary and good, its is important to learn so that we may grow and mature - however, this transition from head to heart knowledge is not something we can regulate into being. It is a deeper understanding that must be facilitated only by the One who knows how to get into the very thread of who we are and transform it.

Blessings,

Olivia