5 Ways to Cultivate Peace in your Parenting

There seems to be a prevalent level of frustration, overwhelm and burnout among parents these days.

While I understand that every parent most definitely has days of overwhelm, seasons of burnout and that life with children is unpredictable and often unrelenting, I think there are so many things we can do to create more peace in our homes.

Today I wanted to share some of the strategies and mindset shifts I have come across in my learning about respectful parenting which have greatly shaped our parenthood and made our day-to-day life so much more peaceful.

1. Don't expect children to follow through on what we ask them to do just from us speaking to them (especially from across the room)

One of the greatest sources of frustration for parents is that of unmet expectations. We can avoid a lot of frustration and power-struggle if we see it as developmentally appropriate for children not to respond when we ask them to do something, especially from across the room.

When we call them across the house or room, wanting them to follow through and obey, it should not surprise us if our children are distracted, engrossed in something else, or simply hoping that we will forget what we asked so they can go on doing what they are doing. For children to ignore a request in this way is pretty natural.

Instead of inviting in frustration by holding to an unrealistic expectation, we should reassess. If a child shows they are not ready to respond to a request right away, we have the ability to avoid the trigger of being ignored, by not giving them the opportunity to ignore us.

For example, rather than repeating go to your room and get your pajamas on, and having them ignore us as we get more frustrated with each repetition, have a one ask rule. If they do not respond after that one ask, we go to them and give them the physical help needed in that situation. In this case I am going to come to your room with you and help you get your pajamas on and then we will be ready for bedtime stories.

And if they still ignore? Level it up. I can see you are having a hard time listening so now I am going to give you a choice. Do you need me carry you there (or hold your hand as you walk) or will you go on your own?

Additionally, if we always follow through, showing our children we mean what we say and are committed to having our requests answered, our children are more likely to take us at our word and learn to respond.

2. Set the limit before we have a chance to get frustrated

The most loving way to say "no" is directly, confidently, and long before we become annoyed or angry. [ Janet Lansbury, Toddler Discipline Without Shame ]

Not setting the limit early enough, before I become annoyed or angry, is one of the most common reasons for lost peace in our home.

We should know what our boundaries are, what we are comfortable with, so that there are healthy limits and expectations, and be familiar and comfortable with enforcing these limits early, firmly, but gently. If the kids are being too rowdy in the house or one of the other behaviours that are particularly triggering for me, it helps to restate the boundary (such as in this house we do not run, if you feel like you have a lot of energy, you may go outside to play) before they have the chance to take it too far. It's not kind to let them do something that should have a limit until they hit the invisible trip wire that sends us over the edge.

Instead, be realistic about what is and is not okay with you, and stick to those boundaries. This way the children know clearly what is expected of them and have an outlet for the behavior and a choice if appropriate, and I am able to avoid that flustered, overwhelmed feeling that comes from exposure to triggers, and unrealistic expectations.

Which brings me to:

3. Understand how healthy and necessary limits are (even if they don't feel good in the moment) and get totally comfortable enforcing them Children will probably not love limits and boundaries. You won't hear a kid saying, gee mom thanks for telling me to stop running in the house. I know how that frustrates you.

More commonly, setting a limit is met with resistance, which may tempt us to avoid the limit or change our answer to keep the peace. However, in the long run the household will run so much more smoothly if we become comfortable with setting and enforcing limits, and the resulting emotions that our child may blast as an argument to the limit, trusting that behind their resistance is a kid who trusts and needs us to be the authority.

A parent’s ambivalence, guilt feelings, and areas of confusion in his or her role will be picked up and used amazingly fast by young children. They seem to have a sixth sense for it. Any ambivalence from a parent will produce a nagging response. [ Magda Gerber ]

This nagging response, this knowledge of ambivalence, will cause children to keep testing, keep asking, keep checking to see where the boundary is. (And that is the opposite of the peaceful atmosphere I am talking about cultivating in this post!) Whether they realize it or not, this is what children do in order to test if they are safe, if they are in comfortable territory, if the people they need to rely on to be in charge are, after all, in charge.

For example, our children know the expectations for mealtime: - we sit at the table until we are done our meals - if we are not sitting, we are showing that we are done our meals and they are taken away - we are not offered something different and are not given snacks or treats following a meal unless a significant effort was put into eating our meal - the entire family eats the same meal If a child did not try supper, yet ask for a snack soon after the meal, we restate the rule: you can have a snack once you have finished your meal. I will sit down with you and help you finish if you would like. This can be expected to bring out disappointment and frustration, of course, the child cannot be expected to joyfully respond to being told to eat a meal they have decided they will not like, but sticking to this rule has resulted in an attitude toward mealtimes that is familiar, safe, and confidently enforced. This confident leadership is what children always need, regardless of how they may respond to limits and boundaries. It is when we respond with confident leadership, regardless of how they respond or behave, in a familiar and predictable way, that allows them to feel safe and confident themselves.

If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust, share their feelings, and grow. [ Alfie Kohn ]

4. Understand that limit pushing is normal, healthy, and be unphased by it Similar to the previous point, this one is also about adjusting your mindset. In fact, I think a lot of the peace that comes with respectful parenting comes from adjusting our mindsets as the parents and preparing ourselves. As I talk about in my post on the reason your child may be testing you, limit testing is to be expected for a few reasons, and it is never because they are being disobedient for the sake of being bad, even if they stare us in the eye as they do something off-limits. So why do they push and test limits?

• They need to be redirected, given an appropriate way to fulfill an inner need.

• They are testing us, like a person might dip a toe into a swimming pool. In these cases, they want to know that we are confidently in control, that we aren't lukewarm.

If we can think of limit testing behaviour in this way, as something we have the answer to, (okay, my child is needing an outlet or my child needs me to be confidently in control) we will feel much less flustered by them, and much more confident in how we can respond to and understand their behavior. This is exactly what our children need, as I mentioned above, to feel more comfortable and safe, and avoid the extra limit pushing behaviors that come from not feeling that way. 5. Release yourself from the responsibility of your children's behavior, just take responsibility for your own And last of all, my absolute favorite quote, and one I have definitely shared before in my post on why I Don't Believe in the Terrible Twos:

The sign of great parenting is not the child's behaviour. The sign of truly great parenting is the parent's behaviour. [ Andy Smithson ]

Constantly feeling responsible for our children's emotions and reactions is absolutely exhausting and unrealistic. I have found that allowing them to feel their own emotions and behave in a way that is appropriate for them (even if that means a tantrum, lashing out, melting down) at their best and at their worst, and training myself to respond in the way that is appropriate for me (supporting, connecting, redirecting, sharing my calm) has been pretty liberating.

This ability to take responsibility for my own behavior (especially in public when the weight of other's judgement can rob us of confidence and calm, and cause us to act in a way that is not healthy and helpful toward our children) has contributed so much more peace and confidence to my parenting journey. Developing strategies that allow me to feel confident in parenting moments allows me to be calm, to react predictably, and to just feel so much more peaceful in my role. And this peacefulness and calm is exactly what children need to feel from us. Want to dive into respectful parenting but do not know where to start, or where to go from here? Check out some of the books that I have found most helpful: Secret of Childhood - Maria Montessori | No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline With No Shame - Janet Lansbury | The Absorbent Mind - Maria Montessori | Unconditional Parenting - Alfie Kohn | Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child - John Gottman, Phd If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. I would also love to hear any suggestions for posts you would like me to write about. And if you are interested in following along in our daily adventures, follow us on Instagramwhere I post daily.

Blessings,

Olivia